Sometimes being known well is a scary thing. My best friends can pick up on what I'm thinking when I think I've hidden it well, and filtered well, because I've said nothing. I like to live my life selectively revealing who I am. I think we all do that to an extent, show the parts of ourselves that we think are acceptable to people and hide the rest away. But sometimes we can't hide. Maybe someone has learned to read us well and so they pick up on the subtleties and hiding would mean cutting them out of our lives. And living an authentic life with Christ means that we stop trying to hide. I'm not saying that you should reveal everything about yourself to everyone you meet. But I'm learning that the best way to grow in becoming like Christ is to stop pretending that I already have it all down.
This morning my husband, my son and I went with a group of high-school students from our church to hand out food, blankets and clothes to the homeless downtown. As I watched my son I pointed out a couple of his reactions to a high-school friend. I said, "ooh, he's freaking out right now because he's such a germaphobe" and "he's laughing like that because his friend just said something inappropriate." She responded with "wow, you really know your son." Like I said, sometimes being known well is a scary thing. Just like I was doing with my son, Jesus knew my reactions to each person there. He saw when I noticed that my friend was hugging and comforting a homeless woman in the same way she would comfort and hug me. He saw the depths of my heart and knew that I didn't want to hug that woman because I didn't want to get dirty. That's revealing--there's some real dirt in my heart that's way worse than anything I would pick up externally. He saw when someone commented that some of these people just seem like normal guys. He knew that our surprise meant that we had drawn that distinctive line between "us" and "them" that keeps us so comfortable in suburbia. There's no line there in God's vision. He sees his kids, and he loves us all the same.
So as I was thinking about how scary it can feel to be so well known I realized that the reason it's so scary to me is because I want to be accepted. That's the beauty of Christ. Other people might see something they don't like about me and walk away. He sees the truth about me and it doesn't change how he feels about me. He still accepts me. He still loves me. He comes and puts his arm around my shoulder and walks with me as he helps me to change. There's no ultimatums, there's no shame or scorn.
I know that there are times when I try to hide from God. I wall off and try to convince myself that I'm good. Do you ever do that? I plan to turn instead into those arms of absolute acceptance and love and allow Him to grow me up into the person only He knows I can be. Thanks, Jesus, for knowing me so well.