Paleo Raw Fruit Cream Pie

I am not a food blogger.  I love to cook and experiment with recipes found on other blogs.  I love to tweak recipes so they sound better to me.  But I don't usually create a recipe on my own.  I had been really hungry for some sort of a pie that would still fall within my husband's Paleo diet standards.  I started thinking about the Coconut Milk Whipped Cream from Marksdailyapple.com (that we love just on it's own), and decided to tweak it a little and layer it with some fruit in a crust.  The result was amazing! Since a few people asked for my recipe, here you go.

Crust: 

I found the crust recipe on Stevepavlina.com within the recipe for Raw Fruit Pie (which also looked really good, but remember I had a picture in my head of what I was hungry for)
2 cups raw nuts (I used about 1 1/4 cups almonds and 3/4 cups cashew pieces).  Grind these in your food processor with the "S" blade until they are small crumbs.
1 cup pitted medjool dates
1/4 tsp salt
Add the dates and salt to the ground nuts in your food processor and whir until it's well blended and there aren't anymore large date pieces.  Dump the crumbs into a 10"-11" round pan (I used my pampered chef deep dish round baker that I've had since the 90's, but a springform pan or even a really big pie pan would work.)
Press the crumbs out evenly across the bottom and up the sides, they tend to stick to your fingers so you could put some coconut oil on your hands to help.  You need to press firmly so the crust packs together.  Place the crust in the freezer for 15 minutes.

Filling:

The filling was primarily a tweaked version of the Coconut Whipped Cream I mentioned above from Marksdailyapple.com.  (Just as an aside, Marksdailyapple.com is my husband's favorite Paleo site with the most consistently balanced information, if you're interested in more details about how to live paleo.)


My tweaked version of Coconut Whipped Cream
2 cans full fat coconut milk that have been refrigerated for at least 24 hours (I personally like Thai Kitchen the best.  It gives the creamiest texture and it's certified gluten free)
2 TBSP agave (most paleo adherents would say no to this, you can use raw honey instead or even go totally sweetener free if that's your thing)
1/2 tsp almond extract (which I'm sure wasn't sitting around during the paleolithic era so this probably isn't truly paleo but whatever)

Take your refrigerated coconut milk, flip it upside down and open both cans.  Pour out the liquid portion of the milk and use it in some other recipe that calls for milk.  That should leave you with two half cans of fairly solidified cream.  Scrape those into your mixer bowl, add sweetener and extract and mix it (I use the whip attachment of my kitchenaid) for about 5 minutes.  It should be the texture of nice whipped cream.  Put this in the frig while you prep your fruit.

1 pint of fresh strawberries, sliced and unsweetened
2 bananas, sliced
1/2 cup fresh blueberries

Now, remove your crust from the freezer and evenly distribute your banana slices in the bottom of the crust.
Spread 1/2 of the coconut cream over this
Next, evenly distribute the sliced strawberries over the coconut cream
Spread the remaining half of the coconut cream over the strawberries
Sprinkle blueberries over the top
I then used my microplaner and grated 1 square of  Trader Joe's Fair Trade Organic 72% Cacao Belgian Dark Chocolate Bar over the top of the whole pie.
Chill for at least an hour to help it set up.

That was about it.

Do You Have a Headache?

Think for a minute, do you have a headache?

Really focus. Any pressure, any sore spots?  That may seem like a silly question to ask you to think harder about.  But for seven years I dealt with almost daily headaches.  Seven years where that question was a reality where even on the good days, if I really thought about it, my headache was at least a 3 or 4 (on a pain scale of 1-10).  The good days were rare, so it was more common to walk around with head pain at a level of 6 or 7.

My neurologist blamed the headaches on three things: a Chiari malformation, problems with my neck, and migraines.  All three of those things are true; I do have those. But given that my headaches were often positional (improved when lying down) and also responsive to caffeine dosing, I kept asking about the possibility of a spontaneous cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) leak.  The possibility seemed so remote; my doctors were hesitant to follow that trail.

Through a chance reading of an MRI by an astute radiologist, we finally had some evidence that made the CSF leak theory plausible.  In August of 2011, through a painful thoracentesis to draw some fluid for testing, we got a definitive positive diagnosis of a CSF leak and I was referred to the chief of neurosurgery at UCSD for consultation (when you’re considered a high-risk, complicated patient, you get the top guy).  We decided on an epidural blood patch to resolve the leak and got on the schedule of UCSD’s blood patch expert.  In the meantime, I was at my lowest point. I had no energy, my head hurt constantly, I was dizzy, I felt like my brain was foggy, I was nauseated and motion sick just from normal life.  I stopped driving just to keep everyone else on the road safe.

In December, I went in for the procedure and left feeling hopeful. My energy levels were improving and I had headache relief! For 6 days it seemed like it was maybe going to work, but by the end of day 6 the familiar neck tightness was setting in, and by day 7 I had a headache.  

Attempt number one failed, but we had seen enough symptom relief to know we were on the right track.

In January, we took another run at the epidural blood patch procedure.  I was hopeful that this one would work because this time, we would increase the amount of blood used, deliver the patch across three levels instead of just one, and increase the amount of rest to see if that would help the patch hold in place. This tri-level approach unfortunately triggered a reaction in my nerves from T8 to T10, leading to extreme pain circling from my back to my chest/stomach.  I was given drugs and things settled down enough for me to be discharged to go home.

This was when things really got interesting.  

By the next morning I had an excruciating headache.  We called the doctor who was concerned that some blood had made its way up to the brain and he asked me to come back for a CT scan (blood around the brain = very bad).  Thankfully, the scan was clear and I was offered two options, admission for pain management or home with narcotics for pain management.  I chose going home, thinking that would be better.  This decision would soon reveal itself as a mistake as I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst headache of my life. I was dizzy, nauseated, and when I started throwing up my husband said it was time to head to the Emergency Room.  After ruling out a need for immediate surgical intervention, I was admitted to the hospital for pain management.  At first, I was on total bedrest. The doctors didn’t want me to move as they evaluated every angle to try and figure out what was happening.  I wasn’t too excited about moving either, because every movement increased my pain and usually made me throw up.  Over the next five days, several neurosurgeons on the team stopped by my room to weigh in with their opinion. 

Finally, the pain and nausea were under control with medication and the chief of neurosurgery stopped by to give his opinion.  He outlined a few possibilities and future treatment options, but with the pain under control, the best course of action was to simply go home to wait and see if the blood patch actually worked.

In the hospital, I was filled with regret that I had even tried to resolve the CSF leak.  Things were so much worse than they had ever been.  But now, a few months later, I am HEADACHE FREE.  They did it.  They actually patched the leak!  

Patching the leak, although awesome, hasn’t been completely rosy. But each day is a little better.  I still get migraines, my neck is still a mess and causes pain, and the resolution of the leak exposed the symptoms that come from Chiari malformation.  But now, tylenol usually takes a headache away completely.

The question I asked at the beginning is a question that I ask myself regularly.  After seven years of near-daily headaches, living without a headache is still so foreign.  At times, I'll have a rush of good feelings and when I pause to reflect on why, I realize it's because I don't have any head pain.  Being headache free is something that most people take for granted.  For most, headaches are the exception and not the rule. 10 years ago it didn't feel like a blessing to be headache free.  It just felt normal.

I think that's the way it is with our lives.  We can miss being aware of our blessings.  We live our normal lives not realizing how blessed we are just to be in it.  I'm not minimizing how hard daily life can be.  Jobs can be stressful, kids can be demanding, people can drive us crazy.  But my goal is to live my life aware of the blessings that seem so normal that I don't even realize they're blessings.  So ask yourself again, do you have a headache?  No? Then celebrate--because being headache free is a huge blessing.

Focusing on the Weeds

My sister, Diana was visiting in January and said "your garden looks so pretty."  I immediately said, "ugh, there are so many weeds but thanks."  A few weeks later I was sitting outside and I really looked at my garden.  It was beautiful.  We have jokingly called it our "gardening on a budget" project.  When we moved in, it was all ice plant and it was mostly dead.  The soil is rocky and full of clay.  It was so hard that there weren't even many weeds, nothing could grow there. So we ripped out all of the ice plant and started over.  I asked friends for starts and cuttings from their gardens and planted those.  (I also love to shop the garden section clearance at Lowes and Home Depot to see what plants I can rescue.  Then if they don't grow I'm only out a couple of bucks.)   Then we added gypsum and topsoil to soften up the clay.  Over the course of the last 6 years it has transformed into what it is now.   

It wouldn't win any landscape design awards.  But I love to sit outside and watch the birds and look at the flowers.  I love to walk out and see how my vegetables are growing.  I love that I have parsley, Greek and Mexican oregano, sage, thyme, rosemary and mint right outside my door to flavor my meals.  

As I sat outside, I reflected on my response to my sister.  It was a pretty good indicator of my naturally pessimistic bent.  The first thing I saw was the weeds.  I can do the same thing with my life.  When someone mentions how strong my faith is my first thought is about the ways that I'm faithless, the ways that I don't reflect Christ, or the areas where I need to grow.   Philippians 4:8 tells us to focus on whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy, and excellent.  4:9 goes on to say that the God who gives us peace will be with us when when we put what we've learned into practice.  


I think it's been pretty easy for me to just accept my natural bent.  When someone calls me a pessimist I argue that I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist.  But do I honor God and the multitude of ways that he blesses me throughout the day by being a realist who sees all the negatives most clearly? As a realist can I change my natural bent to think about the real things that are lovely or admirable or any of the other qualities listed in Philippians 4:8 instead of the negative?  I think if it wasn't possible for everyone that it would just be listed as a suggestion for some people. Instead it's an exhortation, which means that it is advised or urged with a sense of earnestness or urgency.  Obviously, thinking on positive things is important to God.


It all comes down to my choices.  Every situation, every experience, can be viewed through either a positive or negative lens.   I want to be with the God who brings me peace, so I'm going to choose to think on things His way.


How about you?  What do you usually find yourself thinking/focusing on?  

Never Enough

I'm part of the e-devotional team at my church.  Since I haven't posted anything on my blog for a while, I decided to follow my husband's example and post one of the devotionals I recently wrote.  If you want to listen to the message this was inspired by, go to EastLake Church and click on Invitation to a Second Chance Week 2 by Robert Flores.

Never Enough

Read: Galatians 6:4-5 (msg)

Reflect:  I went through a time when I felt like an accurate name for me would be “never enough.”  Everywhere I looked there were people who were more successful, attractive, healthier, better parents, less awkward…It carried over into my Christianity too.  I had friends who were super Christians in my eyes.  One had been on the mission field for several years and was eager for God to call them back (he did 4 years ago).  The other got up at 5 every morning to spend an hour in prayer before her family woke up.  They knew the bible and shared Christ with others better than I did, and I thought I needed to become more like them to please God. 

Pastor Robert reminded us that we can quit trying to be “good Christians” and we can stop comparing ourselves to others.  He emphasized that our right path and a healthy relationship with God has been designed by God especially for us.  It’s not going to look like anyone else’s because we aren’t exactly alike. 

God created each of us with a unique personality and giftings.  He knew us when he called us to follow him.  Whether we are spontaneous or methodical, introverted or extroverted; God has the perfect way to use our uniqueness.  My opinion of myself improved when I started asking God if he was pleased with me and what he wanted me to change instead of comparing myself to others. 

React:  Am I comparing myself instead of embracing the way God created me?  What is one way that I can embrace the unique path God has placed me on this week? 

Pray: God, help me to see myself through your eyes.  Help me to keep taking the baby steps you ask me to take as I walk the path you designed just for me.

Speaking the Truth

It seems funny to follow my last post about my awesome husband with this story, but here goes.  My husband is an extremely honest person.  And by extremely I mean brutally.  So often over the years I've looked at him after he's said something honest and thought, "I can NOT believe you just said that."  My favorite story to illustrate this happened while we were dating.  I needed a new bathing suit and invited him to go shopping with me.  As I tried on bikinis I would come out and show him.  (I know, probably not my wisest decision)  The scenario went like this: 
I would walk out feeling hopeful
He would look me up and down, nod and then say "turn around"
I would turn around
He would shake his head and say "nope"
With the first few suits I just thought it was a bad fit.  But after 10 or so repeats of this exact performance I burst out with "what is so wrong with every suit AFTER I turn around and you see it from the back?  And he told me, without emotion, "they all make your butt look square."
So I calmly said, "oh, ok, thanks for being so honest and helping me find the perfect suit."  WRONG.  I snapped, "well maybe I just have a square butt and shouldn't even buy a bathing suit."  I put my clothes back on, returned all the bathing suits to the rack and we left the mall with tension crawling between us.

In all reality, he is still one of my favorite people to shop with because he is so honest.   But the contrast between us back then was huge.  I hate conflict.  I want everyone to feel good and get along.  So much so that in my younger years I would lie if I thought the truth would hurt someone or cause a rift in a relationship.  I often stuffed my own hurts just so I didn't have to have hard conversations with friends.  I can remember many times when I was angry with one friend or another but when they would ask I would tell them I wasn't mad because I wanted everything to be fine.  So I would pretend or if it happened too often I would end the friendship.  The strange thing is, I thought of myself as a very honest person.  I wouldn't have said that I lied regularly because I thought that all of my lies were for someone's benefit.  As a teen, if I knew that my Mom wouldn't like something I did, I just decided it was best not to tell her.(sorry Mom, just kidding, I really was as perfect as you remember)  If I felt like my opinion wouldn't be in agreement with the friend or group I was with, I just kept it to myself.  If I felt like my struggles would upset someone, I hid them.

Ephesians 4:15 tells us "we will speak the truth in love, growing more and more like Christ."  4:25 goes on to say "So stop telling lies.  Let us tell our neighbors the truth for we are all parts of the same body."  The first time a friend confronted me with this truth in the middle of a small group I wasn't sure how to react.  He called me out by telling me that I wasn't protecting someone else's feelings but was protecting myself from conflict.  He said my lying wasn't helping me or the people in my life.   He was proposing a whole new way to live.  I wasn't sure how it would work but if this was what God really wanted for me I decided to try.  Soon I had the chance.  A friend hurt my feelings and called me later to apologize.  My former response would have been "oh it was fine, I wasn't upset."  But this time I answered honestly and told her that I forgave her but that I had been really hurt by her comment.   We talked it out and life went on.  But I will be honest with you here, learning to live this way wasn't easy.  I would often shake as I was honest about my feelings or responses.  I would still feel sick when I knew I had to have a conversation with someone.  But I also saw my relationships grow deeper, and my relationship with God grew too.

I still don't like conflict and have to overcome that each time I take the step to grow more like Christ by speaking truth in love.  My husband still struggles with blunt honesty but he too is growing more like Christ remembering to say it in love.  Mostly I'm thankful for the friend who cared enough to call me out.  His honesty came out of his love for me as a sister in Christ.  He knew the way I was living wasn't allowing me to be who Christ was calling me to be.

How about you?  How do you do with speaking the truth in love?  Do you struggle with the truth part or the in love part?

A Love Story

Think for a minute about the greatest love story you can imagine.  Movies have shown us amazing romances, with gifts, fancy nights out, perfect words whispered in the perfect tone of voice.  The books I read in junior high always had the man so in love that he couldn't even notice another woman, his words were always smooth and the sex was magical (yep sex books in junior high).  


One of my favorite love stories though, didn't happen in a book or a movie.  It didn't even happen in a romantic setting.  I witnessed it in white hallways filled with the smell of urine, confused elderly people and grumpy nursing assistants.  The summer I worked as a CNA (certified nursing assistant) was eye opening.  I imagined that the people who worked at the nursing home were there because they wanted to serve someone.   And some of them were, so sweet and respectful to the people we cared for; taking the extra time to make sure they had everything they needed, taking the time to listen.  I didn't know that people who didn't care about the little old people would apply for and get a job like that.  So I was shocked when I saw CNA's who were disrespectful, didn't care or were even mean to the people we were supposed to care for.  Often it was just neglect; hair left unbrushed, faces unwashed.  But their was one woman who lived at the home who was always well cared for.  I remember the first morning she was assigned to my care.  One of the more seasoned CNA's said I wasn't ready to take care of her, she would do her care with me so that I would learn to do it right.  She said it wasn't that I wasn't doing a good job but this woman was special.  So we went through the routine.  Everything had to be just perfect.  The right pillows in the right places, her hair brushed just so, her clothes arranged just right.  This woman couldn't do anything for herself, and she couldn't complain if things weren't done just right.  As we went about our routine the other CNA said "her husband will be here in about an hour.  Everything needs to be perfect by then."  


I think I was expecting a tyrant, but I recognized the man when he came because I had seen him every day I had worked so far.  He was just a regular older man, soft spoken.  He came every day and stayed by her side.  He fed her, brushed her long hair and styled it.  He would sit by her chair, his face close to hers and smile into her eyes as he talked to her.  He would touch her face tenderly--his love for his wife was obvious.  He was also fiercely protective.  The soft spoken man disappeared if he arrived to find she hadn't been cared for like she was supposed to be.  He was her voice, her advocate, her defender.   It was almost puzzling, the way he loved her.  She couldn't give him anything anymore.  She couldn't return his tender caress, his words of love.  She couldn't serve him in any way.   


Ephesians 5:25-28 says "Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor—since they're already "one" in marriage." (message)  

I don't know if the man was following scripture or just doing what naturally came out of the love he had for his wife.  But I know it impressed me.  And then I forgot about it.  I was 20, independent,  full of plans for an amazing future.  My (future) husband was going to love me but he wasn't going to need to take care of me.  But 24 years later this older man keeps coming to my mind.  I really think the Holy Spirit keeps reminding me of him.  My awesome plans for my future haven't exactly turned out like I thought they would.  And the independence I cherished has faded down to a low point lately as my health problems have brought on symptoms that make me depend on others more than I really ever wanted to.  I never looked at this old couple's relationship and thought "I want that."  


I'm not big on public affection either.  I cringe when I see friends on facebook talking about how awesome their significant other is.  I always think, "just tell them!  Why are you telling all of us?" (and for everyone I just offended, truly it's not you--it's me.  Keep it up if it makes you happy because it truly is my issue.)  For some reason I'm not different than I was back in highschool when I was still 16 and didn't want my friends to know that I really liked Rick Knowles.   But I am going to make myself (and maybe anyone like me) sick for a minute and publicly proclaim that I really like the man that I married.  


Because I can see now that Rick really does love me like that old man loved his wife in the nursing home.  Lately I don't carry my weight around the house, Rick works all day and then comes home and cooks.  He takes me to the doctor, he takes me to the grocery store, he rubs my head and my back, he researches doctors and treatments online and most importantly he prays for me, with me, and tells me over and over that he would pick me again EVEN IF he knew all of the challenges my health would bring into our lives.    He's thankful to have me in his life in whatever state I happen to be in.   When we first started dating I wanted this exotic romance that would take us on adventures around the world. I wanted flowers and diamonds and fancy restaurants.  Instead I see now that those things make great stories and they're probably fun but they're not really what true love is about.   True love is about being there, it's about laying down your own life for someone else.  For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. And that's what Rick does.  So next time you see him, tell him that he's a really nice (older) man and that you really respect and admire the way he loves his wife.  

Where's My Concern?

An old friend of mine posted a heartbreaking video on bullying this week on facebook.  And in the comments one of his friends remarked about how different high school would have been if we could have all just been ourselves.   The post and conversations got me thinking about bullying and the pain of high school.  Not so much reflecting on my own experience but more about reflecting on my cluelessness. 

I think I’m clueless because I don’t have any memories of my friend being bullied.  All I remember is that he was such a nice guy.  I remember that he wasn’t ever mean to me.  I remember liking him so much and I just assumed everyone felt the same way.  And I think that’s why there’s so much pain when you’re bullied.  It’s usually completely undeserved.   You’re just a person who doesn't fit the mold in some way and that makes you a target.  For me, it was that I was tall and skinny and got good grades.  (Or maybe it was because I was a nerd and didn’t know it—ha-ha)  The other thing that I thought about was that part of what was so painful about not fitting in and being picked on is that it always seems like everyone is in on it but you.  Everyone else is cool, everyone feels the way the bully feels about you.  My cluelessness shows that this isn’t always the case.  It makes me think that there were lots of times when I felt like everyone was in on some meanness when in reality most of the school was completely unaware of the target on my back. 

Another friend posted the other day about her son being bullied.  Kids are stealing his things, hiding his school supplies.  Who knows why he’s the target.  And the emphasis was on teaching our children to be kind.  But teaching kindness isn’t enough.   We can teach kindness until we’re blue in the face but without the ability to empathize, it falls on deaf ears.  This takes me back to my cluelessness and the grief I feel about that.    I feel like I’m a pretty empathetic person and this shows that I completely missed some big clues.  So if empathy isn’t the key, and kindness isn't the key, what is?  I don’t have a simple answer.  I remember the pain of my daughter being excluded from a clique for the first time and all of these girls were kind, empathetic girls, one on one.  They had nice parents who taught them the right way to treat people.  But they still specifically excluded her.  I’ve seen my son on both sides of the equation, being labeled or excluded because he didn’t fit someone’s idea of who he should be and I’ve also known how painful it is to watch your child single another child out as the object of his taunting.  He was taught over and over that it was wrong.  It was addressed every time it happened.  Yet he did it anyway.  And if I’m honest I know I’ve done it…I think most of us could remember a time when we joined the crowd and someone else walked away hurting.

Philippians 2:3-5 says, “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had." (NLT)

I was clueless about my friend being bullied because I was so concerned about myself.  But beyond my selfishness there was one other part (just one—yeah right) part of Jesus’ attitude that I didn’t have and I think it’s absent every time we see cruelty or bullying.  Jesus suspended judgment as he interacted with the world.  Yes, he called people, especially the Pharisees, on their wrongs.  But he knew everyone's heart and he could have walked around excluding everyone who was different from what he KNEW was right, but he didn’t.  He decided instead to walk in love and embrace people right where they were at.  He knew that this kind of genuine love can do far more than bullying can even pretend to accomplish.  He didn’t hang out with a particular type of person; he had friends from every social group.  He didn’t care what other people thought of him because of who he chose to hang around.   I cared.  The opinions of the very people who were mean to me still mattered.  And this concern captured more of my attention and energy than what was going on in the lives of my friends. 

I wish I knew of a simple way to teach this to children, but I don’t.  I guess it needs to start with me.  Really, it needs to start with all of us.  I need to take my eyes off of MY life, MY issues, MYself, and really start seeing others with Jesus’ eyes.  Eyes that are humble, full of love, full of empathy and full of compassion.  I need to drop my attitude and take on Jesus’ attitude that only God’s opinion and priorities matter. 

And to my friend, I’m sorry that I didn’t see when others were bullying you.  If I could go back I would see with new eyes and be a better friend who was aware of what was going on in your life because you matter—both to me and to God.